Legal and Privacy
Copyright
All content is copyright © 2006 Desktop Miracles or people quoted with their permission. Product and company names mentioned herein may be the trademarks of their respective owners. All content, including articles, tips, and secrets, are copyrighted material courtesy of Desktop Miracles. They are available for reprint upon written request, with expressed written permission and proper credit required.
Any rights not expressly granted are hereby reserved.
Privacy
Your personal information, including name, company name, mailing address, email address etc. will not be disclosed, rented, sold, or made available to anyone other than Desktop Miracles for the expressed written purposes as described on this website. We do not store or otherwise retain any of the information requested as a part of the download registration process on this server.
We MAY use customer contact information from an opt-in registration form to send the user news about our company and products and services only. The customer's contact information may be used to contact the visitor directly only when necessary. Users may easily stop receiving future electronic and physical mailings by emailing unsubscribe@desktopmiracles.com
We don't like to be bothered, and we know you don't either. We'll try not to.
Third Party Links, Listing, References
This site contains links to a variety of websites by other firms and individuals. We are not responsible for the actions, inactions, privacy policies, or content of any of these firms or individuals, or their web sites.
We provides links in an effort to provide you with helpful info. Don't get mad at us if someone else gets Mad Cow and goes nutty.
If you have any questions about this privacy statement, the practices of this site, or your dealings with this Web site, please contact us at barry@desktopmiracles.com.
Disclaimer
All information on this website is presented for general information and illustrative purposes only. We have made efforts to verify its accuracy and validity, but we are not responsible for errors or omissions. It is not, and should not be considered, legal, financial, or professional advice. Consult your attorney and/or financial professionals for that.
We provide information in an effort to help you. Don't base your life or your business on anything you read here 'kay?
Copyright notices
All content is copyright © 2006 Desktop Miracles or people quoted with their permission. Product and company names mentioned herein may be the trademarks of their respective owners. All content, including articles, tips, and secrets, are copyrighted material courtesy of Desktop Miracles. They are easily available for reprint upon written request, with expressed written permission and proper credit required. Any rights not expressly granted are hereby reserved.
We wrote it, so don't steal it without asking nicely or we'll send Guido the Killer Editor to come talk to you.
Ultimate Disclaimer
(courtesy of Gregg L Lander, esq.)
This website, and pretty much everything we do, reflects only our thoughts and opinions; you may distribute it and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include it in commercial publications without written permission; further redistributions of this document or its parts are allowed only with written permission; if you have a problem you are discouraged from suing us or our attorney Mr. Lander as he's pretty darn good and we don't have any money anyway; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; subject to change without notice; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this offer is void where prohibited, taxed or otherwise restricted; provided "as is" without warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; no shoes, no shirt, no service; quantities are limited while supplies last; caveat emptor; pre-emptor; Emperor Haile Sallese, read at your own risk; parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries are not included; action figures sold separately; objects may be larger than they appear in the mirror; no preservatives added; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if the safety seal is broken; call before you dig; for external use only; if a rash, redness, irritation or swelling develops, discontinue use; use only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool, dry place; keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes; may interact with mucous membranes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near flammable or magnetic source; may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom; made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist consult a physician; slippery when wet; need not be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; allow four to six weeks for delivery; disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of God or who/whatever you perceive as god and/or supreme being of your own choice, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, typos, misspelled words, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered herein, and incidents owing to motor vehicle accidents, airplane crash, ship sinking, leaky roof, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, broken glass, or flying projectiles; other restrictions may apply; and most importantly, if something herein upsets you - lighten up, have a beer and move on. Your attention is appreciated and thank you for your support.
The contents of this website are in no way intended to offend anyone, including but not limited to parents, family, friends, Secret Service agents, class agents, people of class, people of color, colorful people, people of height, the vertically constrained, people of hair, hair-brained people, the differently coifed, the optically challenged, the temporarily sighted, the near sighted, the insightful, the out of sight, the out of mind, the out of towners, the Eurocentrics, the Afrocentrics, the Afrocentrics with Eurorail passes, the eccentrically inclined, the centrifugally declined, the sexually disinclined, people of sex, sexy people, sexist pigs, marxists pigs, guinea pigs, animal companions, friends of the earth, friends of the wind, friends of Earth, Wind and Fire, friends of the boss, the temporarily employed, the differently employed, the differently optioned, people with stock options, people with no options, stocky people, the divestiturists, the deconstructionists, the home constructionists, the home improvers, Bob Villa, the home boys, the homeless, the temporarily housed at home and the permanently housed away from home.
What gives me the right to write such a fantastic website as this you say ? Well, I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted as a winger by the Montreal Canadiens, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. From both sides of the plate. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA but I can't tell you about them. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees in Wales. I have played Hamlet in Central Park, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have played poker with Elvis. No big deal.
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this information is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the yappy dog next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisky briskly and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Let it stand for 2 hours before icing.
